Remembering Tara

When something terrible happens, there are people that "do" and people that "sit still." My twin sister and I are definitely the former versus the latter. I think "action mode" is either in the genes or your parents raise you in that manner. I will have to remember to give a special thank you to my mom and dad once I see them. After all, to do nothing would be uninspiring which gets me to the heart of this blog post.

My friend, Tara, was perhaps the most inspiring, creative, beautiful, heroic person that I will ever know. She taught me what it means to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and perservere. Tara battled brain cancer for six years with a steely determination that few of us will ever know.

For being such a petite person, her inner and outer strength was amazing. Even when she had motor skill and balance issues near the end, she could probably do circles around me at the gym. Her husband mentioned to me that she would beg to go to the gym right after chemo. Often, he would oblige her request not because he wanted to, but because she would not take "no" as an answer. He would stand beside her while she was on the eliptical - the one side of her body almost non-functional.

I learned so much about her while she was ill. It is interesting how different situations bring forward characteristics that you didn't know people had. My biggest discovery - what a wonderful sense of humor she had. I mean I knew she was witty, but she was really, really funny. I remember visiting her in NYC a few years after her diagnosis. We were walking down the street and someone commented on her beautiful haircut (it was a wig). This person asked where she got her hair done. She looked the person straight in the eye and told them that a personal friend did her hair. They expressed again how much they admired her hairstyle before walking away. I looked at her wide-eyed as she looked back at me innocently telling me "Well.. Shawna. I didn't want to disappoint her!" I laughed so hard that I had a stomach ache.

Tara was also very giving almost to the point of being selfless. She started a support group for people with the same type of brain cancer. Tara would often mention the group. One day, I noticed that it hadn't been the topic in our conversations for awhile. I asked her why she hadn't mentioned it. She stated that the group wasn't going on anymore. I was stunned that it would have disbanded, so I questioned her about it. She assured me that the only reason it wasn't going on anymore was because everyone else had died. Wow... I learned to listen more and question less after that conversation. Tara definitely was a nurturer in terms of giving. She kept an eye out for people - those in her immediate circle as well as their loved ones. My little sister (who like Tara called NYC home) was going through a rough patch where she found herself suddenly without an apartment. When Tara found out, she immediately called her and told her - "Well, you will stay with my husband and I of course." My little sister assured her that would not be necessary. Much to my sister's chagrin, Tara would only accept the decline on her offer after there was an agreement to meet up. Tara wanted to see for herself that my sister was alright. While they were visiting, Tara insisted on taking my sister to the grocery store and loading her up with food. She knew my sister was struggling and wanted to make sure she wasn't skimping on meals.

I once asked Tara how she could go as if everything was alright and normal. Her response was a clear statement to her character: Every moment that I have I want to live to the fullest. I don't want my illness to define who I am. While Tara was battling her illness, I went through a very painful divorce. During this time, Tara sent me one of her favorite quotations in a note: I know its hard to be reconciled not everything is exactly the way it ought to be but please turn around and step into the future leave memories behind and enter the land of hope. - Zbigniew Herbert

With all of these things held in my heart, I struggled with what to do after Tara died. How would I and the rest of Tara's friends give others hope in the wake of such a loss? I brought the idea forward to my twin sister to start a scholarship fund in Tara's memory at UDM. She thought it was a good idea and we received backing from Tara's friends and family. We are in the midst of our first fundraising activity for the Tara Patrice McCartney (nee Ervin) Scholarship Fund. As part of this effort, I am adminstering a campaign on Indiegogo (http://www.indiegogo.com/taramccartney) on behalf of Friends of Tara, what we informally call ourselves. In my head, I picture Tara smiling down on us all. Friends of Tara is building hope - Tara would approve.

Being A Twin....

How many times have I been asked in my lifetime, "What is it like to be a twin?" A fair guess would be probably a million times. Any time I meet someone new and they ask me that specific question they get the standard brief answer, "It's fun." I know that it's the easy way out. If you have a brother or sister, think about your relationship with them, then multiply that by 20 with a lot more laughs and angst, and you're close to fathoming what it is like to be a twin.

If you know anything about twins, there are two different types: Dizygotic (fraternal) and Monozygotic (identical). With Dizygotic twins, there are two fertilized eggs implanted in the uterine wall that are independently fertilized by two different sperm cells. The variations are male-female twins (Shout out here to my friend, Carrie and her twin brother, Joe), female twins, and male twins. In the case of Monozygotic twins, there is a single egg that is fertilized by a single sperm, which then divides into separate embryos. Monozygotic twins are the same sex with traits and a physical appearance that are VERY similar, but NOT exactly the same.... The DNA is nearly identical, but environment does impact genes. Thus, this explains various nuances that will allow someone looking closely to tell "identicals" apart. Drum roll, please! This is the classification that my twin sister and I fall under according to our birth certificate. "We" of course think that we look nothing alike, but we accept that the general population may disagree.

In the late 80s or early 90s, some physicians did a study and asserted that there is a classification termed "half-identical" or "semi-identical." It's complicated, but the basic gist of what you need to know is that they don't share their entire genome as identical twins would. They carry the same genes from their mother, but different genes from their father. Still, they are more the "same" then they are "different." My twin and I believe that this is our true classification, but obviously we happened before the scientific discovery of the classification.

Once people are done with asking the basic "What is it like..." question, they try to get more creative. I have provided a list of my favorites below...

"Do you know what each other is thinking?"

A: No, telepathy isn't one of our many talents. I can't look at my twin and know exactly what she is thinking. After many years of twindom, I am pretty good at reading her body language and facial expressions though. Thus, I pretty much know when she is irritated, troubled, happy or perplexed.

"Can you feel what she feels?"

A: I can honestly say that we had one incidence where this occurred. We were really little when it happened (maybe 6 or 7 years old). Danielle was outside playing with some friends while I napped inside on the couch. Suddenly, I woke up screaming in pain clutching my arm. It turns out that Danielle clumsily fell trying to climb a fence and broke her arm. Pretty spooky, huh? That is the only time something like that has happened to us. 

"Who's smarter?"

A: This definitely is a stupid question...I'm not even going there. I will say that Danielle and I had an IQ test done when we were young (long story). We are within points of one another. Honestly, the genius in the family is our little sister, Jessie, but then that is another story and another blog posting.

"When is your birthday, then?" (after one of us has already given the date)

A: I swear to you that we have been asked this quite a few times - with and without alcohol involvement. It still gives us a good laugh when it happens. 

"Did you ever switch places?"

A: The answer is "YES!" I truly believe that "switching" is a right of passage for identical twins. Do you seriously want to know how many boyfriends that we have tricked or teachers that we have angered? We will leave it up to your imagination....

In close, I thank God that I was blessed with the "twin factor." And as I mention all of the time when I am asked that initial question, "It's fun."